


Enough To Go By

by Anthimeriate



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:19:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2118279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anthimeriate/pseuds/Anthimeriate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a long absence, Cosima shows up at Sarah's door. Can they work out their past and current issues and learn to trust each other again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cosima compared the address to the one written on the sticky note three times before she forced herself to knock on the door. She swallowed hard, pushing down the rising physical feeling of anxiety in her stomach. She could do this. She _had_ to do this. 

For a few long seconds she thought that maybe there would be no answer. She knew it was cowardly and that she’d have to face this sometime, but imagining that no one would come to the door filled her with a guilty relief. She didn’t exactly want to put it off, but she’d been obsessing over this very moment for the better part of a year and each day was more nerve-wracking than the next. If she wasn’t ready now, she was never going to be ready, she knew that. But the terrible part about not being ready was constantly wanting to run away. And she couldn’t back out, not now, not when she’d made it this far.

The hope that no one would be home was quickly shattered, however, at the sound of footsteps from the inside, and the muffled yell of, “I’ve got it!” making its way out to her. Definitely no backing out now.

Cosima braced herself as the door swung open, but the face looking back at her was not the clone she had expected. Instead she was staring at a tall, curly-haired young woman, surprise and shock evident in eyes framed by thick-rimmed glasses. She honestly wasn’t sure if this was better or worse. “...Aunt Cosima?”

“Oh my god,” was the first response to come from her mouth, and she followed it with an awkward laugh. She’d been preparing for an immediate confrontation, and definitely not for this. “Kira! You’re so… God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be staring. You’re just so grown up.”

The girl in front of her stared for a long time, clearly not knowing what to say. Cosima didn’t blame her, she wasn’t really sure what to say either, and she knew she had a lot to answer for herself. When Kira’s mouth opened, finally about to respond, she was interrupted by a voice from deeper into the apartment. “Who is it? Is Gemma early?”

Cosima tensed at the sound of Sarah’s voice, and Kira’s expression went from one of surprise to trepidation. That probably wasn’t a good sign. Cosima had been trying to brace herself for this, but nothing could have prepared her for the wave of anxiety and guilt that hit her the moment Sarah rounded the corner and they first made eye contact. 

“Umm,” Kira said awkwardly, shifting away as the clones stared at each other. “It’s Aunt Cosima.”

It was abundantly clear that Sarah did not need the introduction. Her immediate disbelief soon dissolved into shock and anger, and she forewent all pretense herself. Cosima wished she could have controlled the grimace on her face. “Where the hell have you been?”

Cursing her tendency to laugh awkwardly, not actually finding any part of the situation funny, Cosima brought her hands up to her face. “Um… Well, that’s a long story.” She gave a wince of a smile. How could she convince Sarah to hear her out? How could she possibly expect this woman to even give her the time of day? “I know I don’t really deserve it, but I was hoping that maybe we could... talk?”

It was obvious that Sarah was torn, her internal debate clear on her face. Cosima couldn’t really blame her, but it was painful to watch all the same.Luckily, in the end, she gave a resigned sigh, gesturing to the interior of the apartment. “Fine. Get inside. You’ve got half an hour.”

The relief of being invited in lifted a little weight off of her, but Cosima still stepped inside cautiously. She was being granted more than she had expected, and she didn’t want to give Sarah any reason to regret that.

“Kira, could you give us a bit?” the mother asked, eyebrows raised expectantly. Kira nodded and quickly retreated in the opposite direction of the living room, and as soon as she did Sarah turned her attention right back to Cosima. “Sit,” she commanded, pointing towards the sofa, “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do.”

Cosima immediately obeyed, noting the fact that Sarah herself remained standing. She tried to make herself as small and nonthreatening on the couch as possible as the other woman stared her down. “First of all, how did you find us?”

“Well,” she began, shifting nervously, “I got your contact information from Alison. Please don’t be mad at her, though. She threatened me before she would give it to me.” It was kind of sweet, at least, how protective the soccer mom had been of Sarah. At least someone was watching her back these past few years. “You two seem pretty close.”

“Once you fucked off we were pretty much all we had left, you know?” Sarah spat, glaring as she started pacing the room. “Kira and Gemma have become pretty close now too. We’re supposed to go out with her later.”

“Kira!” Cosima exclaimed, almost unable to help herself. She was still shocked at the changes the girl had gone through, almost having forgotten how much growing teenagers do in just a few years. “She’s grown into such a fine young woman. I bet you’re so proud.”

Sarah gave a pained, bitter laugh. “Yeah. The older she’s gotten the more she’s reminded me of you. She’s 17 now, just graduated high school. Headed to university in a couple months. She wants to study genetics.” She gave another empty laugh, and Cosima thought she might vomit from the way her stomach was doing flips. “Would have been nice for her to have someone like you in her life these past few years. Too bad we weren’t important to you.”

Cosima bit her lip, trying to choke down her emotions and search for anything she could possibly say. She was coming up pretty empty, because she knew she had no real excuses for her actions. “Look, Sarah… I’m sorry. I fucked up. I know I did. I just want to try to make it right somehow.”

Sarah snapped, stopping suddenly to stare daggers at the scientist. “You disappear for six years and all you have to say is that you’re sorry? You expect me to believe that? And why show your face again now, at my fucking doorstep with no warning?” 

“I thought about calling, I did,” Cosima said urgently, trying her best to convey her sincerity and willing herself not to cry. That seemed cowardly as well, and she knew she had to own up to all of this. “It just seemed so impersonal. And you don’t have to believe me… But I hope that you will.”

Sarah all but ignored her words, clearly not done with her furious ranting. “Do you know how hard I tried to look for you? Did you not even consider once that I-- that we might need you?”

“Sarah-” she choked.

“No. You’re going to hear me out first,” she demanded, staring at her wildly as if daring her to object. “Do you know how often I had to convince myself that you weren’t dead? Because someone like you, just disappearing from the grid like that? Sometimes it seemed so unreal that I thought there was no way you were alive.”

Cosima’s gaze fell to her lap, and she tried harder than ever to keep herself composed. “I’m sorry. I know how unfair it was. I regret what I did every day.”

The other woman’s ranting was starting to lose steam, but she was clearly still unhappy, sighing through her nose with a look of disgust. “Why now? Why come back now?”

Sarah’s anger was hard to take, but at least she’d been expecting it. The real questions were much easier to field than the rhetorical ones. “I’ve been trying to work up the courage, honestly. I spent the past year back with my parents in California, trying to get my life back together. But after awhile I knew I had to come back. You can’t run from your mistakes forever.”

Sarah only stared at her, she could feel her gaze as if it burned. “How long have you been back?”

Cosima dared to look back up into her clone’s eyes. “Three days. I’ve been staying at a hotel closer to Alison’s. I contacted her before I flew out here. I asked her not to say anything to you before I had the chance. I wanted you to hear anything and everything from me.”

The other woman glared back, but Cosima could tell she was starting to warm up to her a little bit. “How long are you sticking around?”

“I… I guess that depends.” Honesty was definitely the best policy.

“On what?”

“On if you decide to give me a chance to explain things or not.”

Sarah sighed again, running her fingers through her hair. “I ought to tell you no,” she said, breaking the eye contact and resuming her pacing. “I mean, you don’t know how often I’ve imagined this. Imagined you come crawling back, and I just tell you to fuck right off.”

Cosima screwed her eyes shut, trying once again not to cry. “I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Part of me wants to. Doesn’t want to let you hurt me again. But I’m an idiot, so… fine.” The scientist tried not to let the relief show on her face, but she was sure she wasn’t doing a good job when Sarah rolled her eyes. “But not now. We’ve got plans, and this is going to be on my terms.”

Cosima nodded emphatically. “Whenever works for you. Really.”

Almost before she could react, Sarah tossed her phone at Cosima. She just barely caught it before it hit her in the face. “Give me your number, and I’ll text you when I’m free.”

Cosima scrambled to add herself as a contact on the phone, hands shaking with adrenaline. Not sure what else to do with it, she tentatively offered it back by raising it towards the other woman. “Here. I added my new cell, and my number at the hotel just in case.”

Sarah all but yanked it from her hand, shoving it back into her jeans pocket. “I’ll text you,” she reiterated, turning her back to the scientist. “Now please get out of my house.”

Not knowing how to respond to that, she chose not to. She hesitated only for a moment, staring with longing and hope as the other woman began walking down the hall. But now that she had this chance she definitely didn’t want to blow it, and with great effort she tore her gaze away and hurriedly showed herself out, crossing her fingers that that had been the hardest part.

Deep down, she knew better than to truly believe that.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been two days since Cosima visited Sarah’s house, and still she hadn’t been contacted by her. It was putting her on-edge, but she knew that was probably exactly what the other woman wanted. She’d said herself that this was all going to be on her terms, and while that was entirely fair, she should have known that Sarah would use it to her advantage. And she also knew that she couldn’t exactly complain, because no matter how many days her clone would end up making her wait, it would still pale in comparison to the six years that Sarah had been waiting for any sign of her. Cosima knew that she probably deserved even more torment than the other woman was going to give.

Almost worse than waiting for Sarah’s response was how bored she was. She was currently working for a biotech company, doing what she would largely consider grunt work far below her capabilities from her computer, and besides keeping up with her work assignments she had nothing to do. She was too close to the suburbs for there to be a good nightlife, and even if she could have been bothered to head downtown she wasn’t sure if that would have even satisfied her. Her life was floating in limbo, waiting for Sarah to do anything to start it moving one way or the other.

She’d been living off take-out and room service for nearly a week, feeling too guilty and awkward to take Alison up on her offer to have dinners with her family. She knew she didn’t belong there, just like she’d known she hadn’t belonged at her parents’ house. The hotel certainly wasn’t home, either, but she’d have to take what she could get for the time being. She hoped she would find that Toronto was where she belonged, because she hadn’t exactly come up with any sort of Plan B yet. The most important thing was making things right with Sarah.

She was just considering ordering up some dinner when a loud knock echoed through the quiet room. Startled, she jumped to her feet, hurrying over to the door to see who it was. She certainly wasn’t expecting anybody, but the prospect of a little human interaction, even from hotel staff, was sadly a bright spot in her day.

As soon as she pressed her eye up to the peephole, she stepped back in shock. It was Kira on the other side of the door, waiting patiently for an answer. She all but fell over herself to unlock the door and pull it open. “Kira! What are you doing here?”

The young woman gave her a small smile. “I got your room number from Auntie Alison. I hope that’s okay?”

“Of course!” Cosima exclaimed, smiling back. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah…” Kira responded, shifting awkwardly. “Is it okay if I come in?”

“Oh, sure! Sure!” The scientist stepped aside to allow the girl in, motioning for her to enter as she shut the door again. “Feel free to sit down. The little daybed isn’t much, but it’s moderately comfortable.”

Kira took the invitation and sat down, folding her hands into her lap. “I just wanted to talk to you about Mom.” She wasted no time getting down to business.

“Oh, yeah?” Cosima found herself being more and more unprepared for the situation she’d gotten herself into. The last thing she would have expected was Kira showing up at her door, wanting to talk about Sarah. If she was being honest, she wasn’t even quite sure how to talk to Kira anymore, still unused to thinking of the girl as nearly an adult. 

“Yeah. I know she hasn’t gotten in touch with you yet. But she will.” If nothing else she was certainly well-composed, and straightforward in a way that Cosima could appreciate.

“Well, that’s good to hear.” She gave a sideways smile, not entirely sure how to react. She wasn’t sure how much Kira knew about the whole situation, if anything at all, but the assurance from Sarah’s daughter herself did make her feel a little bit better about the fact that she was currently being ignored.

“I was still pretty young when you left, but I remember that you were close. I think she just needs some time. She’s still mad at you, but she’s only mad because of how much she cares about you. I know it. And I just wanted to come here and make sure you know it, too.” She hesitated, eyes falling to the floor momentarily. “I guess I just don’t want you to leave again, thinking she doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Cosima was already upset about Sarah, but hearing Kira’s fears broke her heart. “I’m not going to leave again! I promise. Not the way I did. I’m sure she does need time. She deserves it. I don’t know how much you know about what happened, but I messed up, Kira. I made a really bad decision and I don’t think I can ever make up for it. It’s surprising enough that she’s even giving me a chance to explain myself.”

“I don’t know a lot. She doesn’t like to talk about it. But when she’s ready, I think all she really needs to know is that you care about her. If I remember anything about when you first left, it’s that she was sure that you didn’t.”

Cosima bit her bottom lip, trying to keep her emotions in check. “I cared, I just didn’t know what to do. But what I did was unfair to her. To everyone.”

“Why did you leave?” It was an intelligent, curious question of an adult, not the sad question of a child, and somehow that got to Cosima even more. She’d missed so much.

“I… There’s a lot of reasons I left. They just weren’t very good ones. I was really messed up and torn and I didn’t know what else to do.” Cosima sighed, trying to figure out how much she could really say. “I don’t know how much of it I should go into. Sarah deserves to hear some of this stuff first.”

“I’m sorry, you don’t need to explain it to a kid. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, no,” Cosima insisted, sitting down at the edge of the bed, opposite Kira. “You deserve an explanation, or as much of one as I can give. I abandoned you, too. And you’re not a kid anymore. You’re old enough to get some answers. I’ll try to answer what questions I can, okay?”

Kira nodded, and jumped right in. “Did you leave because of Mom?”

Well, that was certainly a complicated question, or at least one with a more complicated answer than she was willing to fully give. “No. I thought maybe at the time that I was, at least partially, but it wasn’t her fault. It was just mine. I wish I hadn’t done it. I’ve missed so much.”

“You haven’t missed that much. Everyone’s pretty much the same, I think.” Kira shrugged, clearly trying to make Cosima feel a little better.

Of course, it didn’t work. “I missed you growing up! That’s a lot. I regret that so much, I hope you know that. Your mom was telling me about some of your accomplishments, and I’m so proud of you, and so ashamed I wasn’t here for you.”

The girl shrugged again, but this time as an obvious attempt to cover up her emotions. “It’s okay. It sounds like you just had some stuff to figure out. No one is perfect.”

“It’s not okay, though. I know that this seems like it’s all about your mom, but I missed you so much. I should have been here. It’s okay if you’re mad at me about that.”

For the first time, Kira let some of her sadness crack through. “I missed you a lot, too.” She stood up, crossing the short distance over to Cosima, and hugged the sitting woman tight. “I forgive you though, okay? Just as long as you don’t disappear again?”

“I won’t,” she promised, hugging Kira back, trying not to squeeze her as tightly as she truly wanted to. “Even if I don’t stay here, we’ll keep in touch, of course only if you want to.”

“I want to,” she replied with an assured nod, trying to hide a small sniffle. “I should probably get going, Mom doesn’t know that I’m here and she’ll be texting soon to find out where I am. Can I just ask you one more thing?”

“Of course. Whatever you want.” As if she could deny the girl anything now.

Kira eyed her, furrowing her brows seriously. “And you’ll be completely honest with me?”

“I’ll try.”

She met Cosima’s gaze, and assured that she wasn’t going to break it before she posed her question. “When you left, were you in love with her?”

It was difficult for the scientist to hide her surprise. “Your mom?” she checked.

Kira nodded seriously. “My mom. Were you in love with her?”

She considered stalling or changing the subject, but she’d promised to tell the truth. She sighed in resignation, nodding. Kira was old enough to know now. “Yeah… Yeah, I was.”

It didn’t seem to surprise the young woman at all, and she jumped right into a secondary question. “Do you still love her now?”

Cosima hesitated, taking in a deep breath before deciding to tell the truth. “I do. Six years, and it never did go away. I love her like I’ve loved nobody else, it’s hard to explain...” It felt nice to admit it, even if she felt it was a little strange and unexpected to be doing so to Kira. But, pushing her love for Sarah out of her mind as much as possible, she shook her head dismissively. “But that doesn’t matter, that’s not why I came back. She doesn’t need to know.”

Kira was staring at her purposefully, and she wished she had the ability to read the girl’s mind. She’d always been mature for her age, but there was a quiet thoughtfulness there that spoke volumes. Kira definitely knew more about the entire situation than she’d let on. “If you ask me,” she said, moving towards the door, “I think maybe that’s all she needs to know.”


	3. Chapter 3

The very next morning after Kira visited Cosima, she finally got a response.

_**7:30 tonight. My house. Kira is staying at a friend’s.**_

Sarah was being short with her, that was for sure, but at least she was still open to talking. Cosima wondered if Kira had anything to do with the message, but she was fairly certain that the girl wouldn’t outright tell her mother anything that they’d talked about. Then again, she wouldn’t put it past her to conveniently be out of the house for so long either, in hopes of spurring on their conversation.

Cosima had checked herself in the mirror five times before finally leaving her hotel room. She knew how she looked probably had no bearing on what Sarah thought of her, but she wanted to make a good impression either way. She attempted to keep checking herself once she got into the car, but on the third try Alison smacked the visor mirror away from her. “Stop it. You look fine.”

“That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thanks.” They’d been talking, though mostly over the phone, for a couple weeks now, and Cosima was glad to attempt some humor in their relationship once again. Even if it ended in Alison glaring at her.

“I just want you to feel cared for, in case Sarah kills you,” she said haughtily.

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Wow, thanks for believing in me.”

Alison, however, remained serious. “Well, I may joke about it, but you hurt her a lot. She’s understandably angry and I don’t want you to expect too much.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not expecting much of anything.” Honestly, she hadn’t even expected to get this far.

Alison glanced at her awkwardly from the driver’s seat. “Kira told me what you said to her.”

Cosima tensed nervously. That could mean a lot of things, but she just hoped it didn’t mean what she thought it did.. “...what exactly did I say to her?”

“That you’re in love with Sarah.”

Of course it was that. Of course Alison said it in such a matter-of-fact manner. “Aw, shit. Alison, don’t…”

“No, it’s okay. I mean, I knew. I’m not stupid. At least I knew that you used to be.” She shimmied in her seat, releasing and regripping the steering wheel nervously. “You may be an idiot but I don’t want you getting hurt, either.”

Cosima was honestly a little shocked that Alison cared about her at all, and much more than a little shocked that she didn’t seem bothered by the whole thing. “Aren’t you on Sarah’s side?”

“I’m not on a _side_ , Cosima,” Alison huffed with irritation, “I know I’ve been very close with Sarah these past few years, but I care for you too. And I know a thing or two about doing things you regret and making big mistakes. And from what I can tell, you weren’t the only one in that relationship that... effed up. You just did so more, well, extremely.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I don’t know. I just feel like I don’t deserve anyone caring about my feelings in this. Even if it is sort of true that she… contributed.” Sarah’s side of it was far more tame and understandable than her own, so she barely thought it needed mentioning.

“The both of you have underestimated me from the beginning. I do notice things, and I do genuinely care about you. And even if you did underestimate me, you still cared about me even when I felt like I didn’t deserve it. So I owe you the same.”

Alison made it sound so simple that Cosima wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. Even if she was surprised and puzzled by it, she was grateful for the other woman’s support. She did, however, keep mentally jumping back to the fact that even Alison had alluded to the fact that Sarah had played a part. “Did she… say anything? To you? After I left?”

The woman driving shook her head. “Not outright. But I knew something was going on. Her relationship with Cal had already been strained, and she told me he thought that she was cheating on him. She also admitted that she understood why he felt that way. Of course, then they broke it off for good just a couple days after you left. Some big explosive fight, she was very angry for a long time.”

Cosima paled. “...right after I left?”

“That’s why I always assumed they were connected.” Alison paused, thinking a moment, before she voiced the question that she was clearly dying to have answered. “What exactly happened, Cosima?”

“I don’t even know,” she replied miserably, leaning forward and pressing her head against the dash. “We didn’t really… We didn’t mean to.”

“Didn’t mean to what?”

“Get involved? It happened so slowly. So… naturally I guess. It was so subtle I didn’t even see it for what it was until the very end.” Sometimes Cosima wondered, if she had just recognized her feelings earlier, if maybe she never would have ended up in such a mess.

“So it really was an affair?”

“No! At least not… We didn’t mean it to be. We’d always felt so close, you know?” She had never gotten over the pang of longing she felt thinking back on those days, before anything got complicated, before she decided the easiest course of action was to run. “It was just normal to us to be intimate. Not in a sexy way, just being close. Sharing a bed. Cuddling and hugging a lot. I brushed it off as just some weird clone connection, but it wasn’t.”

“Clearly.”

Cosima decided to ignore Alison’s interjection. “I didn’t even question it until Cal started hounding after her about it. And I thought it was just so irrational, you know. Like, wow, can you believe he’s jealous about this? But then…” She trailed off, not sure how to even describe her realization.

“Then what?”

“Then I started thinking about it more, I guess. Comparing things. And I realized that maybe I did have some sort of weird feelings for her. But it wasn’t like I would ever say anything, you know? I just pushed the feelings down, and tried to ignore them.”

Alison raised her eyebrows in judgment. “And to ignore them you decided to up and leave the continent? That’s a little much, even if we do seem to be prone to over-dramatic reactions.”

“No! I’m not finished, don’t jump ahead! You know that’s not the end of it.” She glared at the soccer mom, who silently put a hand up in surrender. “So I had decided I would just ignore my feelings for her,” she reiterated, continuing her story, “But then I went in for that final check up. And honestly, Sarah was the first one who knew. I rushed over to let her know the treatment had worked. Like, fully worked. I knew I needed to tell her in person. And she just had this look on her face, when I told her I was officially 100%.”

“Your immediate reaction was to find Sarah? You didn’t think about anyone else? Like maybe your actual girlfriend?”

“Like I said, I knew I had weird feelings for her.” Cosima loved Alison, but she’d forgotten how frustrating she found it to carry on a long conversation with her and her somewhat hypocritical remarks. “But she’d always seemed the most fragile about my sickness. It seemed so important to tell her first. So I did, and she stared at me for a long moment, like she was going to cry. And then she just… It’s like she lost control of herself. She just grabbed me by the hair and kissed me so hard.”

Alison gave an undignified squeak, as if she didn’t know where this story was going from the beginning. 

“Quit acting all scandalized, you said you knew something had gone on! Besides, you’re the one who asked.”

“Okay, but just… Spare me the details, will you?”

As if she was about to give a detailed play-by-play of her night with Sarah to Alison Hendrix. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to get into the details! Gross. Anyway, I should have pushed her away. I mean, it was cheating, right? But I couldn’t do it. There was just this sort of high that came with it, and I couldn’t break myself away. We ended up sleeping together, in the not-so-innocent way, just that one time.”

Alison glanced over to her, hands steady on the wheel. Thankfully she didn’t decide to make any smart remarks. “Was it worth it?”

“I… I don’t know. It led to this, so I guess not. But I don’t think I regret it. Maybe we just should have talked about it that night and then things would be different. But we didn’t. We just… didn’t.” Cosima ran her fingers through her hair, sighing painfully. “I didn’t try to talk to her until the next day, and then it was just… It was too late. And then I didn’t speak to her again until a few days ago.”

“And now you’re about to go explain yourself to her,” Alison announced, in a fake cheerful voice. Cosima was so lost in her own story and feelings that she hadn’t even realized that they’d stopped. Looking out the window, she found herself already right next to Sarah’s building. A sudden fear flooded her. Explaining things to Alison had eaten up all of her mental preparation time as they’d made their way over, time she didn’t know she’d been counting on to keep her cool. The soccer mom gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder and the hint of a smile. “Well, good luck.”


	4. Chapter 4

Emotions running high, Cosima knocked on the door. It probably didn’t bode well for their conversation that she was already terrified and worked up, but according to her phone it was already 7:31 and she didn’t want her second first impression to be ‘still perpetually late.’

Sarah opened the door almost immediately. So quickly, in fact, that Cosima had to wonder if she had just been standing on the other side, waiting for her. Impatiently, too, by the look on her face. “I’m kind of surprised you showed up,” she said derisively, letting the door swing wide open. “Come in then.”

Cosima steeled herself as much as possible, trying not to give in to a similar attitude as she entered the other woman’s home. It would do no good to let it evolve into an argument. “I told you I would come. I wouldn’t go back on that promise.” Having already been there before, she took it upon herself to sit in the same spot she had the other day. It seemed like the safest bet.

“Gone for years with no warning, but falling all over yourself to show up for a little chat. How nice.” Even with knowing that Sarah was just trying to provoke her, she found it hard to keep her cool. As close as they had been, and as similar as they could be, Sarah really knew how to push her buttons. She just wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen when they were pushed just one too many times.

“I owe it to you to tell you everything,” Cosima said as evenly as possible, swallowing back her anxiety. She came here with a goal, and had to try to keep her mind on it. “I’ll answer any questions you have.”

“Great!” Sarah exclaimed, a fake laugh spilling easily from her lips. That couldn’t mean anything good. “I have quite a few, but let’s start with this one: How quickly did that bitch fuck you over? Did the honeymoon phase even last six months once she got you where she wanted you? Because please don’t tell me you were so fucking stupid you believed that she loved you? Or do you expect me to believe you’ve been living a fairytale romance in Paris or London or some shit all these years?”

Cosima balked. She hadn’t expected Sarah to go there right off the bat, or to be so outright cruel, and she tried to ignore the sick pleasure the other woman was obviously getting from making her uncomfortable. It wouldn’t make anything better to play into it. “No, Delphine and I were not together all those years,” she said, struggling to keep a straight face. “We mutually agreed to split up after about a year and a half. It just wasn’t working.”

“So you’re saying that convincing you to up and move to Europe with her and separating you from your family and friends was in no way a means to screw you over?”

“I honestly don’t know what her intentions were, okay? But that doesn’t matter. This isn’t about her. It was a choice I made, and I’m here to answer for it.” She couldn’t exactly blame Sarah for being angry about Delphine, but she also knew that they could never move forward if Sarah was going to misplace the blame.

Of course, it didn’t seem like she was going to stop anytime soon. Sarah outright ignored her, continuing in on her vindictive rant. “What did she say to you, to get you to do it? Or did she just tell you to, and you followed her like a stupid little puppy?”

Cosima slowly inhaled and then exhaled, trying in vain to calm herself down. She’d promised herself and Sarah that she would tell the truth. “She told me it was either go to France with her or she was leaving me. And I went with it, because I didn’t think I had anything else going for me but her.”

“Wow, nothing else? Good to know what you think of me. And hell, not even just me. What about Alison? And Kira? And all your friends? No need for them if you’ve got Delphine, I guess.” It messed her up even more that Sarah seemed almost happy to have another thing to go after her for, even if she felt like she deserved the pain.

“Look, I know I was a fucking idiot, okay? But I did try. And you told me to go to hell. So I showed myself out of your life.”

For the first time, Sarah showed a flicker of hurt in the midst of her anger. But once it had passed, she only seemed more furious than before. “Well you didn’t exactly tell me that if I didn’t say what you wanted to hear that you would fucking disappear! That you would leave all your shit and your fucking family behind with nothing but a stupid note, and run off into the sunset with your French whore.”

Despite her guilt, Cosima’s frustration was rising nearly out of control. “Stop misplacing your feelings. You’re not mad at her, you’re mad at me. Leave her out of it.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what I’m feeling!” Sarah hissed, surging forward. “I’m pretty sure she’s all tied up in this though, isn’t she? Why did she give you that ultimatum, huh? Because I bet you told her.”

“Of course I told her! Early on in our relationship, she lied to me so much. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I lied to her like that.”

“Yeah, better elope with a liar rather than stay where you’re needed.”

“You didn’t need me.” Despite all the evidence to the contrary, she still wanted to believe that Sarah didn’t need her. That maybe, even though she’d done this terrible thing, that Sarah had somehow been better off. 

“The hell I didn’t!”

“You didn’t act like it.” She didn’t want to be arguing, but she couldn’t help but give in to it. 

“What did you expect me to act like? It all happened so bloody fast. I was still with Cal, and you were with Delphine. Less than 24 hours after we accidentally fuck and suddenly you want me to plan my life around it? I had Kira to think about. I couldn’t just make a hasty decision, and you tried to force me to.” Sarah was looking more and more annoyed by the second.

“It’s not like I had it all figured out either. I just needed to know if you actually cared about me.” She still needed to know that she had cared about her at all, if she was honest with herself. She might have made some big mistakes, and she had no place grilling the other woman about anything, but Cosima still doubted that Sarah ever truly had those kinds of feelings for her. Not with the way she’d acted that day.

“That’s not how you put it! You all but demanded me to commit to you. So, what, you could know whether to play into Delphine’s game? And how stupid were you, that you let one little argument dictate whether I cared? Who gives a fuck if Sarah’s always been there for you, who cares if she obviously fucking loves you, she loses her temper one time and you’re gone for six years.” She clearly wasn’t just annoyed, but annoyed and disgusted. Things were only getting worse.

The scientist deflated. She was letting her emotions get the better of her, when she should have just been letting the other woman vent her justifiable anger. She’d known she had fucked up, but it hit her even harder to hear it come off of Sarah’s tongue. “I did what I thought I should do at the time, but I was wrong. I made the worst decision of my life because I was scared and impulsive. I regret it every day, but that doesn’t make it so it didn’t happen. I’m here to try to make up for that. I know how stupid it was. I know.”

No matter how many times she said it, Sarah didn’t seem any more receptive to it. “Well this isn’t only about you, is it? You can’t just come in here and expect me to absolve you. You just about destroyed me, Cosima. You can’t just apologize and not let me say my piece.”

“You’re right, I know, I’m sorry I’m letting my emotions get the better of me,” she said, looking down at her lap in shame. “All these years I just wanted to explain, and beg you to forgive me. Not to argue.” With the urge to fight gone, she just felt destroyed. She’d thought she was heartbroken before, but suddenly she knew she hadn’t even been close. She didn’t want to give Sarah any more reasons to hate her.

And Sarah definitely hated her. “Then why don’t you fucking beg?” she spat.

“I’m sorry!” Cosima exclaimed desperately, tears finally welling up in her eyes. “I fucked up. I fucked up so badly, and I know you might never forgive me, but I have to try. I thought it was a good idea to take what I thought was a sure thing, rather than lose that and hang around for something as unsure as our relationship was. But it was too extreme. She asked more than she should have, yes. But I cheated, I fucking cheated, so how could I blame her for asking something like that of me?” Ashamed for her actions and ashamed for her emotions, she couldn’t control her full-fledged sob. “She trusted me and I broke that. So I freaked out, and then I asked more of you than I should have. I asked you to commit to me and to love me after what was technically only a one-night stand. The whole situation was fucked up, and all I can do now is ask you to forgive me for what happened.”

She met Sarah’s eyes, searching desperately for any sign she was feeling sympathetic She found none. “Well, I don’t, okay?” she exclaimed, frustrated. “I don’t forgive you. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just show back up and expect me to think it’s okay just because you, what, ‘explained’?. You put me through hell. I’m not just going to forgive you because you’re back for a week. You’ve got six fucking years to make up for.”

“I will!” Cosima couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, desperate for any shred of hope. “I will make up for them! I’ll do whatever it takes. I promise. I just need you. I knew it then and I know it now, I need you and I can’t keep pretending that I don’t.”

Sarah only looked at her coldly. “Well I had to learn to live without needing you, maybe you should learn to do the same.”

The last bit of resolve inside of her broke. “God, I’m sorry I even came here. I shouldn’t have. I had no right. I’ll just… I’ll just leave you alone.”

Sarah glared, unmoving. “Maybe that’s a good idea.”

Not able to believe how badly it had gone, Cosima faltered to her feet. She had somehow managed to fuck up even more badly than before. “I’m sorry,” she managed, one last time, but didn’t dare to try to meet Sarah’s eyes. She hurried out the door, not looking back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been such a long time since the last update, but finally the next chapter is here! I'm sorry for the delay, my life has pretty much been work and sleep lately with little room for anything else. But work is slowing down now and hopefully I'll be able to get the rest of this story out in a reasonable timeframe. :) Thank you for your patience, I know I really left everyone hanging on a bad note there.

Not having had a plan of action past talking to Sarah, Cosima didn’t know what to do with herself anymore. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to stay in Canada, but she also couldn’t bring herself to leave. It’s not like she wanted to go back to living with her parents, and she didn’t really feel like settling down in California either. She’d always known that depending on Sarah’s reaction was risky, but even if she’d had a plan in place she wasn’t sure that she’d actually have followed through with it. Preparation was one thing, and reality was another entirely.

And in reality, it was hard enough just forcing herself to keep up with her work. If it hadn’t been for submission deadlines, she probably wouldn’t have even known what day it was. If she’d had some grand plan to go back to the States, she probably wouldn’t have followed through. And then she’d have felt like a failure on even more levels, so it was probably better that she hadn’t decided on anything at all.

Alison had made some more futile attempts to get Cosima to come over for meals, but quickly realized she was never going to get the scientist to even leave her hotel room. After the first two days, Alison began bringing dinner to her, and although it made Cosima feel even guiltier, she couldn’t have been more grateful. With Alison’s prodding, at least she was eating one good meal a day.

It had already been over a week since she’d gone over to Sarah’s when a knock on the door interrupted her depressed haze. She was laying in bed staring at the television, although she couldn’t have told anyone what exactly it was that was on. It was late morning, still way too early for Alison’s daily visit, and she knew she had out the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign to deter hotel employees from bothering her.

Cosima looked down to find that she was not decent, in any sense of the word. She adjusted the sports bra that she had been wearing since the day before, and grabbed the ugly beige robe that room service had brought with her towels. It would have to be good enough for whoever was bothering her at this hour.

She must have been going even more slowly than she thought, because the knocking came again as she secured the robe around her waist. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” she mumbled, probably not nearly loud enough for anyone on the other side of the door to hear. She thought it had better be something good, to pull her out of bed this early.

The last thing she ever expected upon opening the door was to find Sarah there. But that’s exactly who was on the other side when she pulled the door open.

“Umm, hey,” Sarah said awkwardly, shifting on her feet. “I don’t suppose I could come in?”

The woman seemed unoffended by Cosima’s ridiculous state, at the very least, but the scientist herself wasn’t sure what to think. It could be some sort of ploy to start yelling at her again. But, if it was, she wasn’t sure that she cared. How could she possibly feel more shitty than she already did? And if it wasn’t, then she was intrigued, because Sarah had made herself very clear that day that she didn’t want anything to do with her.

“Sure, whatever,” Cosima said, voice almost monotone. She opened up the door further and stared at Sarah until she helped herself inside. “You can sit if you want.”

Sarah looked around at the state of the room, and after taking it in she remained standing. With a shrug, Cosima herself sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Sarah confessed, still shifting nervously. “But I guess I’ll start with ‘I’m sorry.’”

The scientist stared blankly up at her. She couldn’t have heard that right. “For what?”

Sarah looked at her incredulously. “Uh, for everything? I was really out of line.”

Cosima waved her off. “No, it’s fine. I deserved it.” Even after everything, she truly felt like she did. She could never make up for the years she’d lost.

“Look, Cos, you messed up big time, yeah? But that doesn’t mean the way I treated you was okay. It wasn’t, and I’m sorry.” Sarah looked truly pained, and another glance around the room only made the worry on her face grow deeper.

Cosima didn’t really know what to say to that, so she stayed quiet. And she really didn’t need Sarah’s worry and judgment on top of Alison’s.

“I was really hurt and angry for a long time, okay?” Sarah continued, beginning to pace. “And then it finally seemed like maybe I was getting over it. Getting past it. That I could make a life without you in it, and I would still be okay. Then suddenly you reappeared, and it just brought every bad emotion back. I didn’t know how to handle it, so, you know, I didn’t. In true Clone Club fashion, by losing my temper.”

“I still don’t blame you. I probably would have done the same. You don’t need me in your life, and that’s okay. I didn’t expect you to.”

Sarah stopped, looking straight at Cosima once more. “Well I blame me, alright? Even if I’m still upset by everything that happened back then, I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I just couldn’t sort out what I was feeling, so it was easiest just to lash out.” She took a deep breath, composing herself, clearly trying to find the right words. “And I do need you in my life. I have since I met you. I just don’t know how I need you.”

Cosima’s stomach dropped, and she tried to push back any false sense of hope. She didn’t want to start feeling things again, not when shutting down had served her so well. “What does that mean?” she asked, as evenly as possible. But she could feel that twinge of anticipation in her voice, and hated herself for it.

“I don’t know, to be honest,” Sarah confessed, running a hand through her hair. “I’m still trying to figure things out. This was unexpected, and I still haven’t quite gotten over everything. But I want to work on it. I don’t want to push you back out of my life if you want in. Even if I’m upset, I still care about you.”

She wasn’t sure about her ability to handle anything at the moment, but Cosima let herself finally acknowledge the slight glimmer of hope. It sounded like Sarah might give her the chance that she wanted, and she couldn’t let herself blow it, no matter how much easier feeling nothing was. “What can I do?”

“Look, I know how ridiculous this is going to sound, given everything, but…” Sarah trailed off, laughing nervously. “Could we maybe try to do that whole talk over again? Maybe over coffee or something? I want to give this another chance, if you do. But one where we’re both prepared for it. And one where we actually talk instead of just… everything that happened.”

“I’m not sure what else I have to say. I don’t have any real defense for my actions. But if you want to, of course I’ll do it. I told you, I’ll do anything to make it up to you.” Could it really go any better a second time? She still only had the same things to say, still could only offer apologies and a promise to do whatever it takes, for whatever those things were worth.

Sarah, however, seemed sincere in wanting to give it a second go. She seemed humble, instead of purely angry. “I want to try to understand better, instead of just yelling. I want to really listen. I was so angry I only remember bits and pieces of everything you said. And I want to try to explain some things, too. We left everything off at a weird place back then… We never got a chance to really talk it over like adults. We just… reacted. Like we do.”

It was true. Blaming genetic predispositions seemed like a cop-out, since she knew she only had herself to blame for her actions, but the reality was that all of them tended to act first and think later. “I’ll give this every chance I can,” Cosima promised, looking up at Sarah with determination. “I know I didn’t wait this long to give up now.”

“Well, how about Thursday morning? I can come pick you up.”

“Whatever works for you. As I’m sure you can tell, I don’t have anything going on. And, belatedly, I’m sorry about the mess. I haven’t been in a very good place.” That was probably the understatement of the year, but Cosima didn’t know how else to describe the depression she’d let herself sink into.

“Don’t worry about it. To be honest, I haven’t either. I wish I could say I got through this all on my own, but I didn’t. Kira and Alison have been talking me through it. I’m too much of a mess to figure stuff out on my own.”

She should have known Alison was trying to fix things from both ends. Not that she could blame her, as the whole ordeal was affecting her life as well. “Alison’s been helping me, too. Or trying.”

“I guess that’s what family’s for. Even if ours is weird.”

Weirder still was to suddenly be talking as if they were family again. As if Cosima belonged there, even when she felt like she didn’t. She desperately wanted to, wanted to be part of Sarah’s life. Suddenly feeling awkward, she once again didn’t know what to say.

The feeling was palpable, and Sarah began shuffling in place. “Well, I guess I should probably go…” She trailed off, looking around the room before heading towards the door. “But I’ll pick you up Thursday, okay?”

Cosima attempted to shake off the weird mood, nodding. “That sounds good. I promise I’ll be cleaned up.”

Sarah laughed, and the atmosphere felt a little lighter. “I’m not worried about that one. As soon as Alison knows what’s going on, I’m sure she’s going to go crazy with trying to help somehow. Just don’t let her dress you, okay?”

It seemed like all Cosima had been doing the past few weeks was trying not to have any hopes, but it was extremely difficult when Sarah flashed her a genuine smile as she walked out the door. It had been six years, but it made her heart flutter exactly the same as it had back then.


	6. Chapter 6

Despite Cosima’s insistence that she did not need help, Alison showed up early Thursday morning, and spent the better part of half an hour shuffling around the hotel room cleaning up the mess.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Cosima said, following the suburban clone with her eyes as she rummaged around in the bathroom, looking for her makeup. “That’s what housekeeping is for.”

Of course, Alison just looked at her like she was out of her mind. “You really want Sarah to come pick you up from this disaster of a room? I don’t think so. Besides, I just can’t stand it any longer.”

“You could have, you know, not come. I’m a big girl, I can get myself ready.” Having successfully found her eyeliner, Cosima turned her attention to her reflection, carefully beginning to apply it in the mirror.

“It’s pretty obvious you two need some direction given to you, or you just turn everything into a mess. I’m here to help.”

Cosima caught the laugh before it came out of her mouth, not wanting to ruin her makeup application. As if Alison always had everything together. Still, she had a point. “Well, I definitely appreciate everything you’ve done,” she said sincerely, eyeing herself in the mirror one last time before capping the eyeliner. 

“Well you can show your appreciation by patching things up,” she said matter-of-factly, tying up a bag of trash and throwing it by the door. “Once you two are happy, everyone can be happy.”

“I’m still really sorry I came back and stirred things up so much. I guess I didn’t realize how much my return would make waves.”

“Well, when Sarah’s mad, she’s a tsunami. And it’s impossible to avoid getting caught up in it. Which, of course, I knew when I decided to give you her address. So I was prepared.”

“Maybe some day our lives won’t be so full of dramatics.”

Alison waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, this is nothing,” she said, throwing the last piece of strewn laundry into the pile, “You should come to my neighborhood watch meetings.”

Cosima turned off the light in the bathroom and moved in to help Alison with the rest of the cleanup. Truly it was nearly over with, but she needed something to occupy herself until Sarah showed up. If she didn’t keep busy, she knew she’d just be a bundle of nerves. 

Luckily or unluckily, depending on how Cosima looked at it, Sarah showed up earlier than she’d said she would. 

“Well, it looks like you two are having a good time,” she said jokingly, raising her eyebrows as Alison hurried to grab her things.

“Just here to help,” the soccer mom repeated, sliding her purse over her shoulder. “But I’m leaving now. You girls have fun. Let me know how it goes. And don’t kill each other.”

As she slid out the door, giving a pointed look at them on her way out, Sarah turned to Cosima. “She didn’t dress you, did she?”

“No way,” the scientist promised, laughing, “Though she did insist on trying to clean the whole hotel room.”

“Isn’t that what housekeeping is for?”

“That’s what I said.”

Sarah smiled, and for a second it was almost as if no time had passed, the memory of their easy relationship still fresh. “Well, sometimes there’s just no stopping her. Are you ready? I don’t know any good coffee shops around here, but there is a Starbucks next door. I know that’s kind of lame…”

“No no, it’s fine,” Cosima insisted, grabbing her own purse and checking to make sure she had her key card. “I’m ready.”

The benefit of walking to Starbucks instead of going anywhere was being spared an awkward car ride, but once they’d gotten their drinks and found a semi-private place to sit, there was a long and palpable silence.

“So… where do you want me to start?” Cosima finally ventured, unable to take the quiet anymore.

Sarah sighed, looking down at her drink. “I don’t even know… I mean, I know the bits where I was there. I know that you went to France with Delphine.”

Cosima could tell she was trying to keep her anger about the whole thing in check, and was surprised at how well she was doing so. “Yeah… I told her about what happened. She didn’t handle it all too well. She was hurt and angry, and told me that if I wanted to continue our relationship, I had to go to Paris with her. She was already planning on going, even before. She was going for six months to work on a project, and she was going to go alone. But when I told her about what happened between us... Well, she said she couldn’t trust me while she wasn’t here. And that if I loved her, and wanted to be with her, I would go with her to Paris.”

Sarah blinked at her. “Why didn’t you just tell me that, rather than come and demand to know if I wanted to be with you or not?”

It was an amazingly good question, and one that Cosima had asked herself a million times before. “I panicked, you know? Suddenly I was caught up in something I’d never intended. It shouldn’t have, but the whole thing surprised me. And I’m sorry I didn’t deal with it more maturely. I’ve wished for years I’d taken a second to think about things before just reacting. Maybe everything would have turned out different.”

A small hint of a smile began to form at the corner of Sarah’s lips, if only for a moment. “If we’re being honest, the stuff with us surprised me, too. Even with all the stuff Cal had been accusing us of. For the longest time I thought he was way off base. Obviously not.”

“We were stupid,” Cosima said, sighing, “But I was a goddamn idiot.”

Sarah took a tentative sip of her drink. “I’m not going to object.”

“I don’t expect you to.”

There was an awkward silence for a moment, the pair of them just staring at each other, Cosima grasping for something to say just before Sarah mercifully broke it. “So were you in Paris this whole time?”

Cosima shook her head, taking a big gulp of her own drink and ignoring the fact that it had still been a little bit too hot. “No. The thing in Paris was only for six months, and after that she moved on to a project in Madrid for a year. I just kind of went with her. I didn’t have a steady job myself, so I had nothing tying me anywhere.”

Sarah stared at her with raised eyebrows. “Can I just ask… how did that relationship work? After everything?”

“Not very well. We kind of pretended everything was okay, but the damage was done. Neither of us wanted to admit it, though. We still cared about each other, but things had changed.” In all honesty, Cosima was embarrassed to discuss her and Delphine’s relationship with the other woman, knowing how entirely stupid and naive she must sound, but she couldn’t deny Sarah the information.

As expected, her clone laughed. “It took a year and a half to be real about that?”

Cosima looked down at her cup. “Once her job in Madrid was up, she’d decided she was going to go back to Paris. Some research facility offered her a lot of money to take a job with them. I hated Paris, to be honest. It was nice at first, but it drained me. We talked it over, and decided it best we part ways.”

The other woman looked for a moment like she was going to comment, but seemingly decided against it. “Did you stay in Madrid?”

“No. I kind of bounced around. Met up with an old college friend in London for awhile, then I took a temporary job in Sydney for a year. Left for the States then, doing a little extended couch surfing with some other old friends… But I realized I needed to get my shit together, I mean I’m not in my twenties anymore for fuck’s sake, so I headed back home to California. And I was there for a year, and then… here I am.”

“Damn, you’ve been everywhere.” She sounded legitimately impressed.

Cosima shrugged. “It wasn’t a good time, though. I was lost. Metaphorically speaking. I wasn’t really travelling, just drifting.”

“Why did it take you so long to come home?”

It was the first time that Cosima had not heard any anger in Sarah’s voice, only hurt. Her face burned with shame, and the fact that Sarah had just referred to this as ‘home’ was not lost on her. “I was afraid. Cowardly, I know, but I couldn’t handle it. I knew what was waiting for me, and I didn’t feel like I was ready for it. But time only made it worse. There was never going to be a ready. I had to face the facts, or stay away forever. And I knew I couldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, things probably would have gone better if you’d come back sooner.” To her surprise, Sarah laughed. “Well, that’s an understatement.”

Unfortunately, Cosima couldn’t find anything funny about it. “I know. I should have. I kind of wanted to, almost as soon as I’d left. But at that point Delphine and I were still together. And thinking thoughts like that felt like cheating, too. So I pushed them away. I didn’t want to give in to the temptation. So I kept all contact cut off. I knew I was being unfair, but I did it anyway. Trying to save something that was already dying.”

“Not even one letter, one call, one email? You couldn’t have handled that?”

“I thought I was doing the right thing. Or at least, I knew I was doing a wrong thing, but at the same time I thought it’s what was best. If you could contact me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to help myself. Maybe it had been all platonic for the majority of the time, but I’d grown so accustomed to you just… being there. I didn’t know how to deal with not having you but still talking to you. And I knew if I did keep in contact, Delphine would find out and we’d be over. I was an idiot.”

“Well it sounds like that would have been a blessing.”

Cosima sighed. “Yeah, well, hindsight is 20/20.”

Sarah was quiet for a moment, clearly thinking something over. “I’m still going to be angry,” she finally said, looking up with a strange shy hesitation, “I don’t know how long for.”

The scientist expected nothing else. “I know. You should be. I fucked up big time. And that’s an understatement.”

“But I’ll get past it,” she said, confidently. “I’ll try not to resent it. I don’t, I guess. We all make mistakes, and our lives are pretty unconventional. You can earn that trust back.”

The last thing Cosima wanted was for Sarah to feel rushed into forgiving her. “Take your time. Like, I can stay in the background if you want. If that will be easier. I don’t expect anything. I don’t want anything more from you than you want. Nothing more than you’re comfortable with.”

The woman across from her shook her head. “No. You were gone for too long, I don’t want you in the background of my life.”

“What do you want?”

“I know it’s going to be hard,” Sarah said, swallowing with clear nerves, “But I want to get to know each other again. I want you to stay here. I want to see if maybe...”

“If maybe what?” Cosima couldn’t keep herself from hoping, not any longer.

Sarah started over, huffing with determination. “Look… You’ve been a fucking idiot, Cos. You about destroyed me. And yet I can still feel the connection we had. I love you, and I need to know if that still means what it did back then. If we can salvage something or not.”

Cosima had to fight to control her reaction, not wanting to seem over-eager and scare the other woman off. “I… I would really like that. I really want to get to know you better. The… the now-you. I want to be a part of your life.”

Sarah sighed like she’d been holding her breath. “I know it was my idea to come here, but… Do you want to take these back to your room or something?” After a moment, she realized what she’d said. “I… I don’t mean to imply… I just want some privacy, I guess. This is just some intense stuff and I feel weird now, talking about it here.”

Cosima herself had been feeling a little too out in the open, convinced people were staring at the two look-alikes. Truthfully, no one was paying attention, but she would feel safer elsewhere. “Of course,” she said, moving to get up, “We can always continue our conversation there. Luckily Alison made sure it’s cleaned up.”

“Remind me to thank her later,” Sarah said with an amused smile, putting the lid back on her drink, “I’d like to be able to sit down this time.”


End file.
